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Monday, December 22, 2008

It's only fair that I share my bad days with my inspiring days. Yes, I struggle...I work through fears...and I feel overwhelmed. The daunting questions of the day...what am I going to eat next? I'm starving, what am I going to make for dinner? I feel symptoms, are they new? Why do I feel so tired, that I feel drunk? Why does my body miss the Mona Vie so much and why does it have to be so damn expensive? Am I letting fear creep in because my energy is down? We went over to friend's house last night and although they so graciously cooked me chicken because I couldn't eat the meatballs, everything else was still off the diet. I felt a little frustrated that they had to cater to me, frustrated that they thought they were eating healthy, frustrated that they kept asking if I "could have this and that", and feelings that I was a little lonely on my path. Even Jake could cheat here and there with no guilt. There is something triggered in me that ques the panic when I "cheat". This isn't like falling off a diet...this is making conscious choices that could hurt me down the road. I have to rest each day and in doing so it makes me feel a little lazy and alone. I am working on the rest time as rejuvenating moments instead of slacker moments that fill me with guilt. I'm filled with guilt that I am not working out yet. As I sled with the kids and get my heart rate up and body temp rising, panic sets in a bit that I will overheat and bring on an exasperation...fear. My friend Minda, would ask me right now, "have you talked to Herman..."? It's not part of the routine...I can't find my routine, I have dodged routine for this long, why do I have to find one now? Thank you Herman for this moment...this moment when I am able to gather enough courage to find my strength...."Even though I have fears about this disease, I love and accept myself!" I do have fears and struggles, but each day I am learning, growing and dreaming and that is more than some people have in a lifetime. I am grateful for my health and my life. I am blessed. I AM......

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

wtf is that first pic bambie???? could you please clarify it by making the main object red please kk

wrecklessgirl said...

i love reading about your life, your everything, the ups the downs, the very, very REAL.

sheli said...

We LOVE you...thanks for sharing your struggle days..you're REALLY getting my attention!
p.s. is that my daughter's comment? i'm so proud!
sheli...smile