Believe

Pick something to believe in and.....JUST BELIEVE!
I have made a HUGE decision in my life. I am going to share the journey because I have found some valuable emotions and awareness in the process. After some major anguish and riding the fence, I have chosen a path of Holistic/Naturopathic ways to heal my body rather then the Western side of things. Everything in me tells me that the answer isn't in the shots and going into all out "fight" mode. My sister Lynn opened my eyes up to the terminology that I was using to go at the disease. Everyone was giving me words of encouragement like, "you can beat this", the medicine was going to go in and attack my immune system, which was attacking my spine. Everything felt so angry:( I hit a low before making this decision for one reason...."what were others going to think." "How do I tell the doctors". Well, this is what I can tell you about the awareness of it all. This is my life...my path....my body, and this decision was so much more about listening to myself and learning not to look for approval. I know that my body can heal itself and in the wise words of the most amazing man helping me with a little EFT therapy..."I am an example of vibrant health!" Thank you for that Herman. I have taken the largest step that I believe I will have to take on this journey by making this decision, and for the first time...I have faith that the net will appear. I am jumping and I have become my own advocate....I have faith and I can see this all as a blessing for the first time. It is the beginning of a beautiful journey and I thank you all for all the amazing encouragement that helped give me strength to be me. I will keep you updated with what my process is like and what I am doing in hopes it will help just one reader take control of their own health. Today I am positive, and I believe!

Graffitiville

Thank you to my dear friend , Aaron for scouting this location and filling my soul. I had the best day. I didn't think about MS for a whole day....that was pretty amazing. I got to focus (literally) on my kids and explore with them. There really is nothing better then photo-playdate:) I have a ton more that I will be posting of them individually.

Reality?

This is the view I had out of my hospital bed. I would look out at the top of this tree and the clouds passing by and I would think....or not think. It was on the other side of where Jake sat, so sometimes I would cry silently looking at the tree. The clouds kept going by...not stopping for anything...and I just kept getting a little overwhelmed that life doesn't stop for a second...not for anything. I let all those tears dry up on the pillow and gathered more strength as each cloud passed by. And I was able to handle all the doctors and nurses apologizing to me for a diagnoses that I didn't quite understand yet.
The other day after my first treatment I felt this way again. I felt defeated for a moment. I felt the reality set in that I might be on this medicine for the rest of my life, and I got a little scared. I got flu-like symptoms...the fever, shakes, achy, headache, and nausea. All the things the nurse told me I might get, but I really thought I could fight it and not be one that got all the symptoms. I didn't want to follow the norm. The only other time I physically felt just like this was when I was pregnant and got VERY sick for 4-5 months. Only with this there was no beautiful baby in the end of all the suffering. I took a shower to get rid of the chills and out of no where the flood gates opened. A dear friend of mine told me the best place to cry and let go was in the shower because you could just let the tears go down the drain and be done with it once you turned off the shower. I didn't let Jake see me defeated in this moment, but I know he saw it in my eyes once they were dry. I can't hide my soul from him no matter how hard I try:) I write this with tears in my eyes, but not with sadness, just a little overwhelmed. Change is always scary...but it's also exciting. I still have more excitement out-weighing the other:) So to all those out there that want to cry...I am here to dry your eyes...but you know in time, you'll be fine! (Thanks Sade:) This is my reality. The beauty about this reality is that I don't know where it is going.

Hospitals, shots Oh my!

I know I kind of left you all hanging...sorry about that:) Things are moving and shakin around here and I have been to a lot of Doc appointments. I thought I would start by showing you a few of the pictures. The kids wrote on the board in my room when they came to visit me at the hospital. I think it was the first time that I cried. I just didn't want them to be scared.

This will be the one and only picture of me in a wheelchair because of MS. I don't plan on getting back on one of those.This is what everyone wants to see....my actual spinal fluid:) The fluid actually replenishes itself within an hour of taking out of the body. I didn't get any of the horrible side effects from the lumbar punch.Laid up after the lumbar punch:(This was the EPT? test where they put an eyepatch (see Casey, D, and Shannon...another reason for the patch:) on me and I had to watch this crazy screen to check the time lapse between what my eyes see and how long it takes my brain to respond. Kind of like an EEG. This first video was a funny one of Jake explaining to the kids about what I was diagnosed with. It was in the hospital. They came to visit me right after my spinal tap so I couldn't pick them up, and had to stay in bed:(
The other video is from toady! A nurse came out to the house to train Jake on giving my weekly shot. He totally siked me out the first time...I was getting weak. The meds are called Avonex and it should help me slow down the MS and maintain it. I have gotten 2nd and 3rd opinions and they all say the same thing. I have been through lots of tests lately.

So detail-wise where am I. I have an official diagnosis of MS. I have had DNA testing to rule out a disease called Von Hippel-Lidau that my Dad has. I will be getting results back from that in two weeks. I am seeing a naturopath to check into diet options. I will be going up to OHSU later in November to see a specialist for the remainder of my treatment. My numbness has diminished greatly in my hand and torso. But I have L'hermitte's syndrome...which is like an electronic pulse going through my back, pelvis and legs. I just shock myself all throughout the day, kind of fun:) There are a lot more boring details...but I am still me, and we are all doing great and charging on. Ms. Carlisle

From the Beginning

This is one of those rare couples that I have been a part of the WHOLE story. They came to me years ago just wanting to capture their love story. Now their growing family has become etched on my heart. I treasure my time with them and they treasure my pictures, what could be a better trade out then that. Their love story has grown with each shoot but there are so many qualities that are the exact same....the fact that they are more in love with each other than ever. He still makes her crack up and they make music with their laughs together. And she still melts in his arms everytime he embraces her. Enjoy the pics. I shot this a couple weeks ago and will be doing some newborns when their baby boy arrives:)

I know why...

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what were told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

I need your grace
to remind me
to find my own

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in our perfect eyes, they're all I need to see.

Today I let go...I listened to this song (Chasing Cars) for what felt like the first time. How could a song come to life and tell my story in a week exactly? I have found someone that literally layed beside me....he didn't have to say a thing, he just looked into my eyes and saw the fear and counteracted it with all that he has inside. He layed with me in that hospital and although he may have felt scared inside as well, he never showed it to me. He is my ROCK. He is my gift from God and I am overcome with his strength and love. I have so many things to talk about and so much to explain. I have been talking with family and friends for days and I can't tell you how much strength has come from all the love. My heart is full and I was delivered HOPE, not heartache. I went back to these pictures that Shannon took of us a couple years ago and I cried. Only for a second, and it wasn't a cry of sadness. I am thankful and overwhelmed with love. I am feeling one of the strongest feelings to ever come over me and that is a calmness that is new to me. I know it is because of FAITH and it is because my path just became a lot more clear. The puzzle of my life is coming together right before my eyes and it is exciting.
Yes I have been diagnosed with a disease named MS but I don't want to use the words "I have MS" because I am not willing to give it that power. I am Ms. Carlisle....and that period that separates the word from me will always remind me that there is hope. Thank you so much for all your support and please don't apologize because I am smiling even as I write this. I am in fight mode and I am able to handle this and I will never let that smile fade:)

Sheer Delight!

Well, I didn't quite get my fix of the Grotto at the wedding. I wanted to be able to go study it again and use more of it's potential. What better way to that then to take a senior, without her phone of course, for a couple hours. You'd be surprised how much more attention you get out of these kids once you take their social life...their appendage away:) This is beautiful Sam and I have shot her before. She is family and I have had the sheer joy of getting to really know her just this last year. I love her personality and her soft, stunning spirit! She is so easy to be around and when she comed into her "own", watch out world! This is only a third of the amazingness and variety that we got out of this shoot. I will try to share more on her shoot and the wedding.












And of course the infamous T.V. shot! She has a thing (or a fear, she didn't specify) for dinosaurs:)