The other day after my first treatment I felt this way again. I felt defeated for a moment. I felt the reality set in that I might be on this medicine for the rest of my life, and I got a little scared. I got flu-like symptoms...the fever, shakes, achy, headache, and nausea. All the things the nurse told me I might get, but I really thought I could fight it and not be one that got all the symptoms. I didn't want to follow the norm. The only other time I physically felt just like this was when I was pregnant and got VERY sick for 4-5 months. Only with this there was no beautiful baby in the end of all the suffering. I took a shower to get rid of the chills and out of no where the flood gates opened. A dear friend of mine told me the best place to cry and let go was in the shower because you could just let the tears go down the drain and be done with it once you turned off the shower. I didn't let Jake see me defeated in this moment, but I know he saw it in my eyes once they were dry. I can't hide my soul from him no matter how hard I try:) I write this with tears in my eyes, but not with sadness, just a little overwhelmed. Change is always scary...but it's also exciting. I still have more excitement out-weighing the other:) So to all those out there that want to cry...I am here to dry your eyes...but you know in time, you'll be fine! (Thanks Sade:) This is my reality. The beauty about this reality is that I don't know where it is going.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Reality?
This is the view I had out of my hospital bed. I would look out at the top of this tree and the clouds passing by and I would think....or not think. It was on the other side of where Jake sat, so sometimes I would cry silently looking at the tree. The clouds kept going by...not stopping for anything...and I just kept getting a little overwhelmed that life doesn't stop for a second...not for anything. I let all those tears dry up on the pillow and gathered more strength as each cloud passed by. And I was able to handle all the doctors and nurses apologizing to me for a diagnoses that I didn't quite understand yet.
The other day after my first treatment I felt this way again. I felt defeated for a moment. I felt the reality set in that I might be on this medicine for the rest of my life, and I got a little scared. I got flu-like symptoms...the fever, shakes, achy, headache, and nausea. All the things the nurse told me I might get, but I really thought I could fight it and not be one that got all the symptoms. I didn't want to follow the norm. The only other time I physically felt just like this was when I was pregnant and got VERY sick for 4-5 months. Only with this there was no beautiful baby in the end of all the suffering. I took a shower to get rid of the chills and out of no where the flood gates opened. A dear friend of mine told me the best place to cry and let go was in the shower because you could just let the tears go down the drain and be done with it once you turned off the shower. I didn't let Jake see me defeated in this moment, but I know he saw it in my eyes once they were dry. I can't hide my soul from him no matter how hard I try:) I write this with tears in my eyes, but not with sadness, just a little overwhelmed. Change is always scary...but it's also exciting. I still have more excitement out-weighing the other:) So to all those out there that want to cry...I am here to dry your eyes...but you know in time, you'll be fine! (Thanks Sade:) This is my reality. The beauty about this reality is that I don't know where it is going.
The other day after my first treatment I felt this way again. I felt defeated for a moment. I felt the reality set in that I might be on this medicine for the rest of my life, and I got a little scared. I got flu-like symptoms...the fever, shakes, achy, headache, and nausea. All the things the nurse told me I might get, but I really thought I could fight it and not be one that got all the symptoms. I didn't want to follow the norm. The only other time I physically felt just like this was when I was pregnant and got VERY sick for 4-5 months. Only with this there was no beautiful baby in the end of all the suffering. I took a shower to get rid of the chills and out of no where the flood gates opened. A dear friend of mine told me the best place to cry and let go was in the shower because you could just let the tears go down the drain and be done with it once you turned off the shower. I didn't let Jake see me defeated in this moment, but I know he saw it in my eyes once they were dry. I can't hide my soul from him no matter how hard I try:) I write this with tears in my eyes, but not with sadness, just a little overwhelmed. Change is always scary...but it's also exciting. I still have more excitement out-weighing the other:) So to all those out there that want to cry...I am here to dry your eyes...but you know in time, you'll be fine! (Thanks Sade:) This is my reality. The beauty about this reality is that I don't know where it is going.
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12 comments:
Now I'm tearing up.....you are human, and never defeated....cry it out Carlizzie if you have to! Hugs!
i am terrible at this emotional stuff. really. never have the right words. i feel the failure in not being able to fix everything. sooo emotions aside and facts laid out.. i know you are going to be fine. you have come back, worked through each episode without even knowing what battle you were facing. now you know your battle, your enemy has a face and you have the weapons. you are unstoppable my dear. you have this strength, passion, faith in life.. it has always been what i have admired about you and now it is going to be able to shine even brighter. i am so proud of you and i am here for you...
~S
I am thinking about you every day - sending you good thoughts. You have such an inner strength and positive outlook on life, that I know you will come through this just fine.
You know we've never met in person but you have touched me and your posts move me (and I know you've touched other silent readers as well). Thank you for that and know that you are being prayed for. XOXOX
"The beauty about this reality is that I don't know where it is going." Beauty and Reality = you have a way with words that touch the heart of many, and a dramatic skill that captures life in photos.
ok that was a monday morning jerker with my coffee cup emptied and then refilled with tears. I love the evergreen. I love your shots of nature never knowing when they'll show up. i say put down all the battle words and let life be as you know it is for you and yours. Change is good. Peace. your body will know what to do. You gotta good body and a good heaven's eye to go through.
love you huge,
Lynn
Kath...I'm remembering...rummy @ the "birch hill" cabin ~ rides in a jeep (that didn't quite make it up the Crest hill) ~ one morning when I was taking the 4 young Hajduke's to school and insisted that I knew a shortcut... ~ your infectious laugh @ your brother's girlfriend's jokes that weren't really that funny (thanks...smile) ~ oh and kath with a FISHHOOK in the EYE ~ first time you held Kayla ~ johnny giving you advise (as only he can do, sarcastically) ~ your unconditional and supportive love ~ the wonderful way you and Jake look @ each other and snuggle ~ how GREAT you are as Teta!
I love you Kath!
sheli...smile
I have to ditto what Sheli, Shannon, and Lynn said. Holy Crap don't I have anything original and I am married to Jim for crying out loud..did I say crying (that was him the rock:). Mostly we use humor, it is the best medicine and you are always a good dose for all of us. Hope we can be the same for you. Kisses and Prayers. Love Michelle
You've got 13 Helle's prayin for ya. And as you know we are pretty damn loud...and everyone said together "AMEN"!
Offer it up and
suck it up.
Love, Marsh
hey mom that's what you told me when I lost my eye.
hey mom that's what you told me when I lost my eye.
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