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Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Careful what you wish for.

Let's say that you haven't seen me since the diagnoses....upon seeing me the scenario will probably go something like this. "Eeee, hiiiii (squealing in between)." I say hey, how are you? (in the midst of a huge embrace) Then you might push me away from you as to get a better look at my whole body. Then the inevitable comes..."how are you feeling?" And before I can answer you, you take the space where I am suppose to answer with, "well, you look great?" I put a question mark there because it always seems like those words come out with such surprise and confusion. Then there is a look that some have given me. I don't know how to quite put the exact words to it, but every woman has experienced it. When you know you look good and a woman gives you a compliment that you look great, but her eyes are more like daggers of jealousy that ask "how" or "why" do you look so damn good. Let me explain where I am going with this...wait, I can't because I don't really know what I am trying to say. Let me give you a couple extremes that have come my way to put me in a confusing state. When a couple different women (friends) have said, "maybe I should get MS so I can look that good." Or, "I don't want what you have, but you have a rockin body". These are compliments right? At every point in my life I have always been very confident and happy with what my body looked like (minus, right after baby insanity moments;) As a woman, I know that we tend to take our eyes off our own plate A LOT, but have we become so out of touch with reality that we would wish a sickness, (like when someone gets the flu and gets all skinny), or a disease on ourselves with careless words. I don't feel mad when people say these things because I know where they are coming from. I am glad that I am confusing their vision of what MS is suppose to do, or might do to me. But we really need to take more care with our thoughts of ourselves and words with others. When was the last time that you paid a compliment to yourself? When was the last time you liked looking at a picture of yourself? If you can't remember the last time, then you may want to pay attention to what kind of self talk you're giving yourself to be that unhappy with your healthy body. Maybe you have been living so long in who you WANT to be instead of appreciating who you ARE! I wished many times that I would care more about food and get healthier one day. My wish totally came true and this is the path that needed to take me there. I truly am thankful for this wish....but many of you might want to be careful what you are wishing for. Take control of your thoughts and be who you want to be!

I remember taking these pictures for Jake for Valentine's Day 6 months after Jamie was born. Shannon was just starting out in photography and we went to go take shots of each other. In that whole process I remember realizing how much the pictures were for me and not Jake by the end.The experience was uplifting and exciting. I was proud of the body that I had and even embraced the huge nursing bra showing through because I knew that one day those big girls might disappear. Let's be realistic here...I am still a girl and I haven't been 100% content my whole life about each body (I do have an ego and I did want a boob job), but I think what I was able to grasp that many others don't was that no matter how much I love or dislike my shape, I know it will always be changing. If I can't embrace it for it is in any given moment, then I am not embracing me. I loved my body a year ago when it was 20 some pounds heavier and didn't want to lose the weight. I will take your 20 extra pounds and you can gladly take the MS. I just hope it has the same wake-up call that it gave me. If it doesn't then you're just going to be skinny, but still unhappy.

So go get some pictures taken of yourself! Love your body for keeping you alive and healthy, because it might not be that way tomorrow! I have taken some recent pics to celebrate, yet another phase of life and I can honestly say that I love my body and I'm not afraid to say it, because that isn't for anyone else to discredit. I love my body for waking me up. I love it for allowing me to play volleyball, take care of my kids, wrestle Jake, tie my shoes, walk straight and I even love the tingling all over...because it's me. So yes...I look good....because I feel good. And for the days that I might not feel good, at least I don't have the extra negative thought swirling around about not being content in my own skin. Thanks for the ranting!

9 comments:

linzmarie designs said...

Thank you for this reminder! Every day as my baby belly grows bigger and more uncomfortable, I tell myself that I am beautiful. I don't always believe it, but I try to and tell myself anyway :) It's too easy to wish for a body that is not my own (I've seen some amazing pregnant bodies out there), but then I wouldn't be ME! So thank you for this reminder. You really do look great, and I'm glad I got to see you the other night!

Shyla said...

I love and adore you. I wish I had more creative words to express that

Amy said...

Man, you look good in ALL the bodies! Wow, forgot how big your boobs got with nursing! Thanks for posting this. If I read this 10 years ago I would be worrying about losing 5 more lbs....very glad to be here where I am today.... The good news is you are still you in the skinny or curvy Kathy! It's always good.....and yes, I will go get some pics of myself taken thank you very much! ;)

Willow said...

i think i might need to un-love myself a bit, this telling myself how cute i am is getting out of hand...
:)
but seriously, loving yourself makes your life sooooo much easier, and its just words in your head!!!

Aaron Galeotti Photography said...

thank you for being you. it helps me be me :) and be free ;)

Andre' April and Family said...

Holy Cow I forgot how big your boobs got!! I remember a time when we used to discuss the day we were both going to get boob jobs. We had full intentions of following through with the process. Isnt it crazy how life brings you back to reality?? I cannot tell you how many times I have been thankful that I never followed through with it, not because I think it is wrong but because it has made me be happy with ME. Your point about loving yourself and feeling good making it easy to love your body is so important. I hope we can teach our daughters to be as self aware.

Murph said...

Kath...
Thank you so much for sharing this. Hits so close to home for me. Life has changed so much in the last few yrs. I have to tell you your encouging words have been a big part of the possitive changes. Weather in a chat or an email we see to pick up from where we left off.I feel Blessed. You have a love for life that spills out to everyone.You can see the glow of a great spirit with in you. I ask everyone this question... would YOU tell your dearest friends what you tell yourself? Go to the mirror right now.... look that person in the eyes.Say, I love you, YOU ROCK !!!! Go, now...... do it.... NOW. It will change your day :) Do it daily. YOU ARE WORTH IT.
Kath... I miss you and love you so very much.

Cindy Cieluch Photography said...

What a wake up call for me! Thank you Kathy!

After I my brain hemorrhage, I SWORE I'd take better care of myself. The tingling, the numbness, the awful way I felt. They all pushed me into therapy and the gym.

But quickly, I went back to my old ways. Eating like crap. Skipping the gym. Spending too much time in front of the computer. Now, I'm back to feeling terrible and I'm the only one to blame. I'm putting everyone and everything before my health.

Tomorrow is my first day of a NEW ME! And I can thank YOU for giving me that push.

P.S. It's true. I've never seen you so look beautiful and confident. I love you!

Anonymous said...

Kathy, I thought you looked great then and I think you look great now!You will always be beautiful to me know matter what because of the person you are!


Kelli