Reality?

This is the view I had out of my hospital bed. I would look out at the top of this tree and the clouds passing by and I would think....or not think. It was on the other side of where Jake sat, so sometimes I would cry silently looking at the tree. The clouds kept going by...not stopping for anything...and I just kept getting a little overwhelmed that life doesn't stop for a second...not for anything. I let all those tears dry up on the pillow and gathered more strength as each cloud passed by. And I was able to handle all the doctors and nurses apologizing to me for a diagnoses that I didn't quite understand yet.
The other day after my first treatment I felt this way again. I felt defeated for a moment. I felt the reality set in that I might be on this medicine for the rest of my life, and I got a little scared. I got flu-like symptoms...the fever, shakes, achy, headache, and nausea. All the things the nurse told me I might get, but I really thought I could fight it and not be one that got all the symptoms. I didn't want to follow the norm. The only other time I physically felt just like this was when I was pregnant and got VERY sick for 4-5 months. Only with this there was no beautiful baby in the end of all the suffering. I took a shower to get rid of the chills and out of no where the flood gates opened. A dear friend of mine told me the best place to cry and let go was in the shower because you could just let the tears go down the drain and be done with it once you turned off the shower. I didn't let Jake see me defeated in this moment, but I know he saw it in my eyes once they were dry. I can't hide my soul from him no matter how hard I try:) I write this with tears in my eyes, but not with sadness, just a little overwhelmed. Change is always scary...but it's also exciting. I still have more excitement out-weighing the other:) So to all those out there that want to cry...I am here to dry your eyes...but you know in time, you'll be fine! (Thanks Sade:) This is my reality. The beauty about this reality is that I don't know where it is going.

Hospitals, shots Oh my!

I know I kind of left you all hanging...sorry about that:) Things are moving and shakin around here and I have been to a lot of Doc appointments. I thought I would start by showing you a few of the pictures. The kids wrote on the board in my room when they came to visit me at the hospital. I think it was the first time that I cried. I just didn't want them to be scared.

This will be the one and only picture of me in a wheelchair because of MS. I don't plan on getting back on one of those.This is what everyone wants to see....my actual spinal fluid:) The fluid actually replenishes itself within an hour of taking out of the body. I didn't get any of the horrible side effects from the lumbar punch.Laid up after the lumbar punch:(This was the EPT? test where they put an eyepatch (see Casey, D, and Shannon...another reason for the patch:) on me and I had to watch this crazy screen to check the time lapse between what my eyes see and how long it takes my brain to respond. Kind of like an EEG. This first video was a funny one of Jake explaining to the kids about what I was diagnosed with. It was in the hospital. They came to visit me right after my spinal tap so I couldn't pick them up, and had to stay in bed:(
The other video is from toady! A nurse came out to the house to train Jake on giving my weekly shot. He totally siked me out the first time...I was getting weak. The meds are called Avonex and it should help me slow down the MS and maintain it. I have gotten 2nd and 3rd opinions and they all say the same thing. I have been through lots of tests lately.

So detail-wise where am I. I have an official diagnosis of MS. I have had DNA testing to rule out a disease called Von Hippel-Lidau that my Dad has. I will be getting results back from that in two weeks. I am seeing a naturopath to check into diet options. I will be going up to OHSU later in November to see a specialist for the remainder of my treatment. My numbness has diminished greatly in my hand and torso. But I have L'hermitte's syndrome...which is like an electronic pulse going through my back, pelvis and legs. I just shock myself all throughout the day, kind of fun:) There are a lot more boring details...but I am still me, and we are all doing great and charging on. Ms. Carlisle

From the Beginning

This is one of those rare couples that I have been a part of the WHOLE story. They came to me years ago just wanting to capture their love story. Now their growing family has become etched on my heart. I treasure my time with them and they treasure my pictures, what could be a better trade out then that. Their love story has grown with each shoot but there are so many qualities that are the exact same....the fact that they are more in love with each other than ever. He still makes her crack up and they make music with their laughs together. And she still melts in his arms everytime he embraces her. Enjoy the pics. I shot this a couple weeks ago and will be doing some newborns when their baby boy arrives:)

I know why...

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what were told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

I need your grace
to remind me
to find my own

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in our perfect eyes, they're all I need to see.

Today I let go...I listened to this song (Chasing Cars) for what felt like the first time. How could a song come to life and tell my story in a week exactly? I have found someone that literally layed beside me....he didn't have to say a thing, he just looked into my eyes and saw the fear and counteracted it with all that he has inside. He layed with me in that hospital and although he may have felt scared inside as well, he never showed it to me. He is my ROCK. He is my gift from God and I am overcome with his strength and love. I have so many things to talk about and so much to explain. I have been talking with family and friends for days and I can't tell you how much strength has come from all the love. My heart is full and I was delivered HOPE, not heartache. I went back to these pictures that Shannon took of us a couple years ago and I cried. Only for a second, and it wasn't a cry of sadness. I am thankful and overwhelmed with love. I am feeling one of the strongest feelings to ever come over me and that is a calmness that is new to me. I know it is because of FAITH and it is because my path just became a lot more clear. The puzzle of my life is coming together right before my eyes and it is exciting.
Yes I have been diagnosed with a disease named MS but I don't want to use the words "I have MS" because I am not willing to give it that power. I am Ms. Carlisle....and that period that separates the word from me will always remind me that there is hope. Thank you so much for all your support and please don't apologize because I am smiling even as I write this. I am in fight mode and I am able to handle this and I will never let that smile fade:)

Sheer Delight!

Well, I didn't quite get my fix of the Grotto at the wedding. I wanted to be able to go study it again and use more of it's potential. What better way to that then to take a senior, without her phone of course, for a couple hours. You'd be surprised how much more attention you get out of these kids once you take their social life...their appendage away:) This is beautiful Sam and I have shot her before. She is family and I have had the sheer joy of getting to really know her just this last year. I love her personality and her soft, stunning spirit! She is so easy to be around and when she comed into her "own", watch out world! This is only a third of the amazingness and variety that we got out of this shoot. I will try to share more on her shoot and the wedding.












And of course the infamous T.V. shot! She has a thing (or a fear, she didn't specify) for dinosaurs:)

"I don't do...."

Remember a while back when I said that my "I never's" always come back on me? Well....I don't know how many times I have heard myself tell people that "I don't do weddings!" Now how do I tell you all... that I just did a wedding...and I liked it;) It's a long story, but I was asked to second shoot a wedding for a fellow photographer, Missy Desgrosellier from Take 5 Photography. The man I was hired to shoot along side is Greg Pierce. He usually has Darcie Radtke from Truth in Light Photography second shoot with him. She was busy with her own wedding and Missy thought of little ol' me:) Now you see how we are all connected in this crazy web;) I met Missy and Patrick and fell in love, and it was great to work with Greg and watch him in action. All that being said...I still think that wedding photography is one of the most physically and mentally demanding types of photography out there, and I don't know when I will ever be ready to jump on that train! I am literally still feeling the effects and what I like to call the "wedding hangover". I went into it with a "birthing plan", no..a "wedding plan". I printed off page upon page of inspiring photos. I scouted the joint before hand and plotted out locations for desired shots. Do you think I used any of this on the actual day.....the answer here is a big, fat, NO! What I did get out of the day was a huge lesson in the fact that I don't have control and sometimes that's the beauty of it all. I think I could go on and on...and I will in other posts, but for now I just wanted to share a couple reasons why the day was so amazing for me. I know that I am not suppose to cry as the "professional" behind the camera...but, the father/daughter dance was like a direct hit right on my heart. It was the most beautiful moment watching her lose all control of the tears as she danced safely in her father's embrace (most little girl's dream). I will treasure being a witness to that moment for years to come. I remembered in an instant my dance, just 10 years ago and a RUSH of emotions poured over me. I would like to say thank you to Missy and Patrick for allowing me to have such a beautiful connection with their whole family on that amazing day and I can't wait to share my story that I was honored to capture. I leave you with the "Always the photographer...now the Bride" picture:)

Prosource ROCKS!

Many of you know that I don't do any marketing other then word of mouth...and you also know I have a BIG mouth:) Well, my dear friend over at Prosource Mortgage Marketing put my first promotion together for the holidays and I love it. O.K. in case you don't know my dear friend, it's Jake and you have to go check out his website (wwwprosourcemm.com). He is marketing to the mortgage industry for now, but he is expanding soon and he also does jobs on the side for special people like me;) He designed this piece for me and plugged my contacts into his system and just like that I am a testimony for Prosource...yay!! So if you didn't get the e-mail...here you go and give me a call if you want to get a shoot in before the holidays. Hurry up because it just started to rain:)