What a day! First day of school and I fully expected waterworks as I always do each year when I have to detach from my kids after an amazing summer. What I didn't expect was tears from my 4th grader and yet another important lesson in life;) The day started off great. Everyone was excited...I know this because there was so much chatter this morning that you would have thought it was Christmas. I made binders for the kids that had Keeta's pictures all over it so they would miss her too much. Put everyone in the car (including the dog) and headed off to school with a little pep in our step...First stop, yearly pose...everybody's doing it:) Stay with me until the end for the lesson or at least tears....
Next stop...Tré gets swarmed by his friends...wait there are no boys in there? He tell THE GIRLS that he has to help his sister first. True to Tré style...
"Jalena, this is where your backpack goes and then you line up right here when the bell rings."
"Tré, I KNOW, I've watch you every year! I'm outta here!" True Jalena (The Icebreaker) style.
It didn't take Tré long to get right back into the swing of things.
Thank goodness they still don't what to do next once they catch their prey;)
Then it was one last shoe tying session...the bell...the anticipation of saying good-bye) this is where I start to get a little weepy.
Jalena....nervous maybe, but hidden by the shield of bravery and excitement.
Tré...proud...nervous, but looks great and gives me a confident wave good-bye. I'm not quite sure what happened in the time that I clicked off my camera, grabbed Jamie's hand and walked halfway down the hall.
I hear these heavy, desperate footsteps with a small whimper to echo. It is Tré sprinting after me just seconds after I saw the little smile on his face as I left him.Most of you would not have turned back on the camera. Most of you would have handled this situation differently...but I assure you that in the next steps that I took, I probably covered all of your choices. First, I coddled and told him that it was perfectly normal to be scared. After 10 minutes of getting nowhere with rationalizing I went with parenting technique #2...stern. Get in there and go see your friends and stop letting the fear get a hold of you. #3 Let's try some breathing techniques and try to stay in the now...what do you hear, feel, smell?" Clearly he couldn't smell a thing because he had been crying for 15 minutes and it was stuffed. Now the teacher comes out to see what in God's name I have done...she sees that I need back-up and gives her hand at it. Still no go and MORE tears. Now I just want to cry with him and take him home with me...fun rollercoaster, huh...stay with me:)
Bribery (which I take pride in NEVER using). Let's talk about the surprise that I am going to work on for when you get out of school and tell me all the ways that you got over your fears and had fun. Nothing...sobbing now! I am pretty sure that we are 2 hours into this ordeal at this point (reality, 15 mins/30 tops). I tell him to go get a drink, gather himself and march into that room and I will wait outside the door until he feels comfy. Sure, I was prepared to stay the whole day. Final technique #5...in a final last effort to put all my mommy skills into action, I seize the opportunity when the teacher came out for the second time...to get the heck out of dodge. I told her to hold onto him, that I loved him and that I had to go.
I am pretty sure that my whole heart was left behind or at least sitting in my throat in that fleeting moment. If you could zoom into his face full of emotion in this pic you would be bawling. In all my techniques and all my wishes, there was nothing I could do to get him out of his own paralysis created by fear. I could relate to this more than he could possibly know. I still feel those paralyzing moments that takes me right back to a scared, little girl that can't find the courage to take the next step. So as I sit here and try to write this through the tear-blurred vision. This day, these moments were designed just for me. I was suppose to have these lessons today through my little appendages. One being brave and showing me the path that I know that I can choose. And the "older me" showing me that it's o.k. to be scared. It's ok to fear change. It's NOT o.k. to be paralyzed and to get in my own way so badly that I need someone to grip me out of it.
So thank you kiddos. Thank you for being the most beautiful human beings in this world. I want to feel like this when I get off this bus that I am on. I want to hold my hands open this wide to show the world that I made myself fell "this big" today.
Tré told me that he thought of Keeta to get out of the fear. He said that he looked at the binder of Keeta if he felt sad. Mommy tactic # whatever, worked! He found his own way out and he felt so proud.
We're o.k. now. I'm O.K! I am so thankful for this day and these tears, and to be able to share. Tomorrow is a new day...and I won't be walking the kids into the school. I think I will just stay in the car and cry. I will pretend for a moment that I am able to push the pause button on this thing called life that is always is fast forward.
God help me next week when this guy goes to his first day of his last year in preschool. God help me when he goes to Kindergarten. Let's not even talk about all 3 in full day just yet.
The lesson of the day...get the hell out of your own way. Take one of your biggest fears and stop giving yourself thousands of reasons to hold onto it. Just conquer it. I can't tell you how, but I can tell you how amazing it is going to feel on the other side of it!
Let's say that you haven't seen me since the diagnoses....upon seeing me the scenario will probably go something like this. "Eeee, hiiiii (squealing in between)." I say hey, how are you? (in the midst of a huge embrace) Then you might push me away from you as to get a better look at my whole body. Then the inevitable comes..."how are you feeling?" And before I can answer you, you take the space where I am suppose to answer with, "well, you look great?" I put a question mark there because it always seems like those words come out with such surprise and confusion. Then there is a look that some have given me. I don't know how to quite put the exact words to it, but every woman has experienced it. When you know you look good and a woman gives you a compliment that you look great, but her eyes are more like daggers of jealousy that ask "how" or "why" do you look so damn good. Let me explain where I am going with this...wait, I can't because I don't really know what I am trying to say. Let me give you a couple extremes that have come my way to put me in a confusing state. When a couple different women (friends) have said, "maybe I should get MS so I can look that good." Or, "I don't want what you have, but you have a rockin body". These are compliments right? At every point in my life I have always been very confident and happy with what my body looked like (minus, right after baby insanity moments;) As a woman, I know that we tend to take our eyes off our own plate A LOT, but have we become so out of touch with reality that we would wish a sickness, (like when someone gets the flu and gets all skinny), or a disease on ourselves with careless words. I don't feel mad when people say these things because I know where they are coming from. I am glad that I am confusing their vision of what MS is suppose to do, or might do to me. But we really need to take more care with our thoughts of ourselves and words with others. When was the last time that you paid a compliment to yourself? When was the last time you liked looking at a picture of yourself? If you can't remember the last time, then you may want to pay attention to what kind of self talk you're giving yourself to be that unhappy with your healthy body. Maybe you have been living so long in who you WANT to be instead of appreciating who you ARE! I wished many times that I would care more about food and get healthier one day. My wish totally came true and this is the path that needed to take me there. I truly am thankful for this wish....but many of you might want to be careful what you are wishing for. Take control of your thoughts and be who you want to be!
I remember taking these pictures for Jake for Valentine's Day 6 months after Jamie was born. Shannon was just starting out in photography and we went to go take shots of each other. In that whole process I remember realizing how much the pictures were for me and not Jake by the end.The experience was uplifting and exciting. I was proud of the body that I had and even embraced the huge nursing bra showing through because I knew that one day those big girls might disappear. Let's be realistic here...I am still a girl and I haven't been 100% content my whole life about each body (I do have an ego and I did want a boob job), but I think what I was able to grasp that many others don't was that no matter how much I love or dislike my shape, I know it will always be changing. If I can't embrace it for it is in any given moment, then I am not embracing me. I loved my body a year ago when it was 20 some pounds heavier and didn't want to lose the weight. I will take your 20 extra pounds and you can gladly take the MS. I just hope it has the same wake-up call that it gave me. If it doesn't then you're just going to be skinny, but still unhappy. 
So go get some pictures taken of yourself! Love your body for keeping you alive and healthy, because it might not be that way tomorrow! I have taken some recent pics to celebrate, yet another phase of life and I can honestly say that I love my body and I'm not afraid to say it, because that isn't for anyone else to discredit. I love my body for waking me up. I love it for allowing me to play volleyball, take care of my kids, wrestle Jake, tie my shoes, walk straight and I even love the tingling all over...because it's me. So yes...I look good....because I feel good. And for the days that I might not feel good, at least I don't have the extra negative thought swirling around about not being content in my own skin. Thanks for the ranting!
