What a day! First day of school and I fully expected waterworks as I always do each year when I have to detach from my kids after an amazing summer. What I didn't expect was tears from my 4th grader and yet another important lesson in life;) The day started off great. Everyone was excited...I know this because there was so much chatter this morning that you would have thought it was Christmas. I made binders for the kids that had Keeta's pictures all over it so they would miss her too much. Put everyone in the car (including the dog) and headed off to school with a little pep in our step...First stop, yearly pose...everybody's doing it:) Stay with me until the end for the lesson or at least tears....
Next stop...Tré gets swarmed by his friends...wait there are no boys in there? He tell THE GIRLS that he has to help his sister first. True to Tré style...
"Jalena, this is where your backpack goes and then you line up right here when the bell rings."
"Tré, I KNOW, I've watch you every year! I'm outta here!" True Jalena (The Icebreaker) style.
It didn't take Tré long to get right back into the swing of things.
Thank goodness they still don't what to do next once they catch their prey;)
Then it was one last shoe tying session...the bell...the anticipation of saying good-bye) this is where I start to get a little weepy.
Jalena....nervous maybe, but hidden by the shield of bravery and excitement.
Tré...proud...nervous, but looks great and gives me a confident wave good-bye. I'm not quite sure what happened in the time that I clicked off my camera, grabbed Jamie's hand and walked halfway down the hall.
I hear these heavy, desperate footsteps with a small whimper to echo. It is Tré sprinting after me just seconds after I saw the little smile on his face as I left him.Most of you would not have turned back on the camera. Most of you would have handled this situation differently...but I assure you that in the next steps that I took, I probably covered all of your choices. First, I coddled and told him that it was perfectly normal to be scared. After 10 minutes of getting nowhere with rationalizing I went with parenting technique #2...stern. Get in there and go see your friends and stop letting the fear get a hold of you. #3 Let's try some breathing techniques and try to stay in the now...what do you hear, feel, smell?" Clearly he couldn't smell a thing because he had been crying for 15 minutes and it was stuffed. Now the teacher comes out to see what in God's name I have done...she sees that I need back-up and gives her hand at it. Still no go and MORE tears. Now I just want to cry with him and take him home with me...fun rollercoaster, huh...stay with me:)
Bribery (which I take pride in NEVER using). Let's talk about the surprise that I am going to work on for when you get out of school and tell me all the ways that you got over your fears and had fun. Nothing...sobbing now! I am pretty sure that we are 2 hours into this ordeal at this point (reality, 15 mins/30 tops). I tell him to go get a drink, gather himself and march into that room and I will wait outside the door until he feels comfy. Sure, I was prepared to stay the whole day. Final technique #5...in a final last effort to put all my mommy skills into action, I seize the opportunity when the teacher came out for the second time...to get the heck out of dodge. I told her to hold onto him, that I loved him and that I had to go.
I am pretty sure that my whole heart was left behind or at least sitting in my throat in that fleeting moment. If you could zoom into his face full of emotion in this pic you would be bawling. In all my techniques and all my wishes, there was nothing I could do to get him out of his own paralysis created by fear. I could relate to this more than he could possibly know. I still feel those paralyzing moments that takes me right back to a scared, little girl that can't find the courage to take the next step. So as I sit here and try to write this through the tear-blurred vision. This day, these moments were designed just for me. I was suppose to have these lessons today through my little appendages. One being brave and showing me the path that I know that I can choose. And the "older me" showing me that it's o.k. to be scared. It's ok to fear change. It's NOT o.k. to be paralyzed and to get in my own way so badly that I need someone to grip me out of it.
So thank you kiddos. Thank you for being the most beautiful human beings in this world. I want to feel like this when I get off this bus that I am on. I want to hold my hands open this wide to show the world that I made myself fell "this big" today.
Tré told me that he thought of Keeta to get out of the fear. He said that he looked at the binder of Keeta if he felt sad. Mommy tactic # whatever, worked! He found his own way out and he felt so proud.
We're o.k. now. I'm O.K! I am so thankful for this day and these tears, and to be able to share. Tomorrow is a new day...and I won't be walking the kids into the school. I think I will just stay in the car and cry. I will pretend for a moment that I am able to push the pause button on this thing called life that is always is fast forward.
God help me next week when this guy goes to his first day of his last year in preschool. God help me when he goes to Kindergarten. Let's not even talk about all 3 in full day just yet.
The lesson of the day...get the hell out of your own way. Take one of your biggest fears and stop giving yourself thousands of reasons to hold onto it. Just conquer it. I can't tell you how, but I can tell you how amazing it is going to feel on the other side of it!
Next stop...Tré gets swarmed by his friends...wait there are no boys in there? He tell THE GIRLS that he has to help his sister first. True to Tré style...
"Jalena, this is where your backpack goes and then you line up right here when the bell rings."
"Tré, I KNOW, I've watch you every year! I'm outta here!" True Jalena (The Icebreaker) style.
It didn't take Tré long to get right back into the swing of things.
Thank goodness they still don't what to do next once they catch their prey;)
Then it was one last shoe tying session...the bell...the anticipation of saying good-bye) this is where I start to get a little weepy.
Jalena....nervous maybe, but hidden by the shield of bravery and excitement. 
Tré...proud...nervous, but looks great and gives me a confident wave good-bye. I'm not quite sure what happened in the time that I clicked off my camera, grabbed Jamie's hand and walked halfway down the hall.
I hear these heavy, desperate footsteps with a small whimper to echo. It is Tré sprinting after me just seconds after I saw the little smile on his face as I left him.Most of you would not have turned back on the camera. Most of you would have handled this situation differently...but I assure you that in the next steps that I took, I probably covered all of your choices. First, I coddled and told him that it was perfectly normal to be scared. After 10 minutes of getting nowhere with rationalizing I went with parenting technique #2...stern. Get in there and go see your friends and stop letting the fear get a hold of you. #3 Let's try some breathing techniques and try to stay in the now...what do you hear, feel, smell?" Clearly he couldn't smell a thing because he had been crying for 15 minutes and it was stuffed. Now the teacher comes out to see what in God's name I have done...she sees that I need back-up and gives her hand at it. Still no go and MORE tears. Now I just want to cry with him and take him home with me...fun rollercoaster, huh...stay with me:)
Bribery (which I take pride in NEVER using). Let's talk about the surprise that I am going to work on for when you get out of school and tell me all the ways that you got over your fears and had fun. Nothing...sobbing now! I am pretty sure that we are 2 hours into this ordeal at this point (reality, 15 mins/30 tops). I tell him to go get a drink, gather himself and march into that room and I will wait outside the door until he feels comfy. Sure, I was prepared to stay the whole day. Final technique #5...in a final last effort to put all my mommy skills into action, I seize the opportunity when the teacher came out for the second time...to get the heck out of dodge. I told her to hold onto him, that I loved him and that I had to go.
I am pretty sure that my whole heart was left behind or at least sitting in my throat in that fleeting moment. If you could zoom into his face full of emotion in this pic you would be bawling. In all my techniques and all my wishes, there was nothing I could do to get him out of his own paralysis created by fear. I could relate to this more than he could possibly know. I still feel those paralyzing moments that takes me right back to a scared, little girl that can't find the courage to take the next step. So as I sit here and try to write this through the tear-blurred vision. This day, these moments were designed just for me. I was suppose to have these lessons today through my little appendages. One being brave and showing me the path that I know that I can choose. And the "older me" showing me that it's o.k. to be scared. It's ok to fear change. It's NOT o.k. to be paralyzed and to get in my own way so badly that I need someone to grip me out of it. 
So thank you kiddos. Thank you for being the most beautiful human beings in this world. I want to feel like this when I get off this bus that I am on. I want to hold my hands open this wide to show the world that I made myself fell "this big" today. 
Tré told me that he thought of Keeta to get out of the fear. He said that he looked at the binder of Keeta if he felt sad. Mommy tactic # whatever, worked! He found his own way out and he felt so proud.
We're o.k. now. I'm O.K! I am so thankful for this day and these tears, and to be able to share. Tomorrow is a new day...and I won't be walking the kids into the school. I think I will just stay in the car and cry. I will pretend for a moment that I am able to push the pause button on this thing called life that is always is fast forward. 
God help me next week when this guy goes to his first day of his last year in preschool. God help me when he goes to Kindergarten. Let's not even talk about all 3 in full day just yet.
The lesson of the day...get the hell out of your own way. Take one of your biggest fears and stop giving yourself thousands of reasons to hold onto it. Just conquer it. I can't tell you how, but I can tell you how amazing it is going to feel on the other side of it!
7 comments:
Wow! This speaks to me in a huge way ;) I wanna conquer fear :) You are an amazing mom! Your kids are so lucky! But im sure you feel like the lucky one.
:)
Oh man, this post is so great....I picture myself taking pics on the twins first day of school and preschool....I'm not ready, but I will be, just like you were on that big day! So awesome! Cute kids btw.....awwww
LOVE this post Kathy! I stuck around for a couple of hours to help and saw Tre about 10:30 chatting and looking relaxed (whew!) and Jalena looking smiley and VERY confident in that awesome new haircut!
We will not be talking about "last year of preschool", "babies going to kindergarten" or anything of the such!!! LA LA LA, I'm not listening!!
Hope you're well beautiful.
I had a really sad, emotional, roller coaster day. this post was EXACTLY what i needed. thank you for being such a moving, outspoken and brave mom and friend. my heart is in a million twists!!!!!
Oh my... I actually remember Tré's first day of preschool. I was on my own, my mom was in Florida fixing up my brother's house after a hurricane and I was just as frightened as he was. I remember him being my only wild card in the class because I already knew everyone else from the previous year. I remember it was so much fun because I asked each kid what "made them a star" and every one of them came up with amazing answers. I remember being struck with awe that the whole class, especially Tré, who didn't know anyone at all, could find something special to tell us about on their very first day. I honestly think that was one of my all time favorite days of school. Glad he found a way to conquer. He is such an amazing child. :)
Thanks for sharing another fantastically written post ... you captured your childrens' beauty inside and out. What a great family you have created!
:)
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