Print Page Heaven's Eye Photography Blog: September 2009

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Careful what you wish for.

Let's say that you haven't seen me since the diagnoses....upon seeing me the scenario will probably go something like this. "Eeee, hiiiii (squealing in between)." I say hey, how are you? (in the midst of a huge embrace) Then you might push me away from you as to get a better look at my whole body. Then the inevitable comes..."how are you feeling?" And before I can answer you, you take the space where I am suppose to answer with, "well, you look great?" I put a question mark there because it always seems like those words come out with such surprise and confusion. Then there is a look that some have given me. I don't know how to quite put the exact words to it, but every woman has experienced it. When you know you look good and a woman gives you a compliment that you look great, but her eyes are more like daggers of jealousy that ask "how" or "why" do you look so damn good. Let me explain where I am going with this...wait, I can't because I don't really know what I am trying to say. Let me give you a couple extremes that have come my way to put me in a confusing state. When a couple different women (friends) have said, "maybe I should get MS so I can look that good." Or, "I don't want what you have, but you have a rockin body". These are compliments right? At every point in my life I have always been very confident and happy with what my body looked like (minus, right after baby insanity moments;) As a woman, I know that we tend to take our eyes off our own plate A LOT, but have we become so out of touch with reality that we would wish a sickness, (like when someone gets the flu and gets all skinny), or a disease on ourselves with careless words. I don't feel mad when people say these things because I know where they are coming from. I am glad that I am confusing their vision of what MS is suppose to do, or might do to me. But we really need to take more care with our thoughts of ourselves and words with others. When was the last time that you paid a compliment to yourself? When was the last time you liked looking at a picture of yourself? If you can't remember the last time, then you may want to pay attention to what kind of self talk you're giving yourself to be that unhappy with your healthy body. Maybe you have been living so long in who you WANT to be instead of appreciating who you ARE! I wished many times that I would care more about food and get healthier one day. My wish totally came true and this is the path that needed to take me there. I truly am thankful for this wish....but many of you might want to be careful what you are wishing for. Take control of your thoughts and be who you want to be!

I remember taking these pictures for Jake for Valentine's Day 6 months after Jamie was born. Shannon was just starting out in photography and we went to go take shots of each other. In that whole process I remember realizing how much the pictures were for me and not Jake by the end.The experience was uplifting and exciting. I was proud of the body that I had and even embraced the huge nursing bra showing through because I knew that one day those big girls might disappear. Let's be realistic here...I am still a girl and I haven't been 100% content my whole life about each body (I do have an ego and I did want a boob job), but I think what I was able to grasp that many others don't was that no matter how much I love or dislike my shape, I know it will always be changing. If I can't embrace it for it is in any given moment, then I am not embracing me. I loved my body a year ago when it was 20 some pounds heavier and didn't want to lose the weight. I will take your 20 extra pounds and you can gladly take the MS. I just hope it has the same wake-up call that it gave me. If it doesn't then you're just going to be skinny, but still unhappy.

So go get some pictures taken of yourself! Love your body for keeping you alive and healthy, because it might not be that way tomorrow! I have taken some recent pics to celebrate, yet another phase of life and I can honestly say that I love my body and I'm not afraid to say it, because that isn't for anyone else to discredit. I love my body for waking me up. I love it for allowing me to play volleyball, take care of my kids, wrestle Jake, tie my shoes, walk straight and I even love the tingling all over...because it's me. So yes...I look good....because I feel good. And for the days that I might not feel good, at least I don't have the extra negative thought swirling around about not being content in my own skin. Thanks for the ranting!

Sunday, September 6, 2009

My Passion is contagious!

This is so exciting I don't even know where to begin....
Let's go back about 10 years.
I had a camera
I had a baby
Baby inspires me to learn again. I start reading. I start looking for a way to be more.
I fall in love with baby so much and the only way I have to document it is a point and shoot film camera.
I start journalling, cutting pictures out of magazines, taking pictures....I say this because "scrapbooking" was not yet a household craft.
Then I REALLY started scrapbooking. Then I got payed to scrapbook.
Then I wanted to get better pictures and I start shooting all the time.
Then people started complimenting my photography and "maybe I could shoot their family"?
There...STOP...there is the spark, and it is about to get ignited. The day I started to ASPIRE to become a photographer! First I toy with the idea and start tip toeing through the beginning of an exploration. How can I shoot in better light? Where do I get better prints? What outrageous thing can I do with my kid now, all for the sake of a picture?
Then I found The Catalyst in my photography life....Joyce Makenzie. She handed me her camera and had faith in me. After that first click of the camera in her studio, I felt impulses begin to fire in me that I never knew existed. There were fires started in the depths that were igniting motivation for the first time in a long time. I couldn't learn enough. My head is still spinning!
Fast forward through 3 amazing kids, the most supportive parents/family, husband and friends a girl could ask for, and a passion that could never be extinguished was born....
Now...I want to be That Catalyst (thanks for the brainstorming Tracie!). I want to be the wave maker and the synergist that stimulates a passion waiting to be fueled in someone else. I know that my passion is contagious and I love to share my story....so here goes the beginning of this chapter.
My friend Amy Hall has been a catalyst to me for this as well. I have had classes on my agenda for years but I think I let fear get in my way. Amy is that friend that I admire for her ability to do. She is a mover and a shaker and she is one of my biggest fans. What I was delighted to encounter this year is that I am now one of her biggest fans;) She has grown into an incredible photographer that shares the same thirst for photography that we never seem able to quench. She has given me the courage and push that I needed to create a space for others to learn. So here's the news....she and I are teaming up for the first ever class....drum roll please....called...
So please come and aspire to get out of your box...whether it is the fear box, or the busy box, or the there's too much to learn box, and come be in an encouraging surrounding that is going to be filled with amazing people. This is the mothership of all crafts. Photos for life. We plan to squash every antonym to the word Catalyst (block, blockage, preventer, prevention). Can you feel the excitement? Thank you Amy for helping me get out of my own way!!!

More Details....
There is going to be so much fun, talking, doing, eating, laughing, learning and deep thinking that your heads might implode as your eyes are taken over by your soul!
$395.00 Full Day class
$100.00 extra for a bonus day of more hands-on practice getting behind and "maybe" in front...(not saying for sure in case you panic;) of the camera. We are OPEN books and there is nothing off limits. So leave your "I cant's at the door", open up your mind and put the most amazing tool in your hands and learn with us! Leave a comment if you are interested in more info (or e-mail me..heavenseye@comcast.net). We are only taking 20 rockstars so jump on it!
Oh the dates:0
October 24th and 25th

Friday, September 4, 2009

More tears please...

These are happier tears this time with the day 2 story. First I will make you cry, but then I have a good laugh for you as well (hang in there Kenz:) Take a look at this face below. Really look at his smile. There is so much joy. And above all, this little guy is bursting at the seams with LOVE. I never really understood why people question whether or not they are going to have enough love for a second child after they pour so much into the first. Well, I can assure you that any doubt that you have in your mind is washed out when your heart is filled from the sibling love. There is no prouder moment than witnessing that overwhelming love that a child has for their sibling. When they get excited to be with them every moment of the day. When they get protective of them. Or when they have moments like this....Tré came home yesterday and told me that the day was awesome. Then he paused...he said with a shy smirk, "but almost cried again". Jalena asked why before I could. The conversation went like this...
"Jalena, do you remember when we saw each other at recess. Well, when the bell rang and I knew that you had to leave I felt the burning in my throat because I wanted to cry." She asked why..."I guess it is because I love you so much that I didn't want you to go, I wanted to go with you." Later he was telling Jake and I about it again and he elaborated. He said that he was scared for her. He was worried that she would get scared or feel like crying and he wanted to be there for her. So he got over his own moment of fear the day before...but then he put the same fears into someone else's life and took on the emotions again. I am so thankful for all the love lessons in my life and I am proud that my kids have a safe place to process their emotions. I told them that they are lucky in love and that they should be proud of loving so fully. I told Tré that he has to be careful/conscience of putting emotions on others and worrying about how they might feel. He doesn't get it quite yet because he doesn't have control of his compassion...and that is probably what makes him so great and full of lessons for us to learn.

Just in case a few of you are crying (Mom:), here is another favorite moment of the week. I was working on the computer and I could hear the kids plotting in Jalena's room right next door. They came flying into the studio and thank goodness the camera was on my desk and ready to go to capture this greatness! SUPER UNDIES!!!!!
I'd like to say that this is the first time that my kids have done this, but I can't:) I will say that the little princess below was the first to ever attempt such a thing. I think she as about 4 when she first tried it and the boys thought it was genius. I know your kids have done this as well...go get the dang camera out and capture your own memories. Don't them slip away.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Get out of your own way!

What a day! First day of school and I fully expected waterworks as I always do each year when I have to detach from my kids after an amazing summer. What I didn't expect was tears from my 4th grader and yet another important lesson in life;) The day started off great. Everyone was excited...I know this because there was so much chatter this morning that you would have thought it was Christmas. I made binders for the kids that had Keeta's pictures all over it so they would miss her too much. Put everyone in the car (including the dog) and headed off to school with a little pep in our step...First stop, yearly pose...everybody's doing it:) Stay with me until the end for the lesson or at least tears....
Next stop...Tré gets swarmed by his friends...wait there are no boys in there? He tell THE GIRLS that he has to help his sister first. True to Tré style..."Jalena, this is where your backpack goes and then you line up right here when the bell rings.""Tré, I KNOW, I've watch you every year! I'm outta here!" True Jalena (The Icebreaker) style.It didn't take Tré long to get right back into the swing of things.Thank goodness they still don't what to do next once they catch their prey;)Then it was one last shoe tying session...the bell...the anticipation of saying good-bye) this is where I start to get a little weepy.Jalena....nervous maybe, but hidden by the shield of bravery and excitement. Tré...proud...nervous, but looks great and gives me a confident wave good-bye. I'm not quite sure what happened in the time that I clicked off my camera, grabbed Jamie's hand and walked halfway down the hall.I hear these heavy, desperate footsteps with a small whimper to echo. It is Tré sprinting after me just seconds after I saw the little smile on his face as I left him.Most of you would not have turned back on the camera. Most of you would have handled this situation differently...but I assure you that in the next steps that I took, I probably covered all of your choices. First, I coddled and told him that it was perfectly normal to be scared. After 10 minutes of getting nowhere with rationalizing I went with parenting technique #2...stern. Get in there and go see your friends and stop letting the fear get a hold of you. #3 Let's try some breathing techniques and try to stay in the now...what do you hear, feel, smell?" Clearly he couldn't smell a thing because he had been crying for 15 minutes and it was stuffed. Now the teacher comes out to see what in God's name I have done...she sees that I need back-up and gives her hand at it. Still no go and MORE tears. Now I just want to cry with him and take him home with me...fun rollercoaster, huh...stay with me:)Bribery (which I take pride in NEVER using). Let's talk about the surprise that I am going to work on for when you get out of school and tell me all the ways that you got over your fears and had fun. Nothing...sobbing now! I am pretty sure that we are 2 hours into this ordeal at this point (reality, 15 mins/30 tops). I tell him to go get a drink, gather himself and march into that room and I will wait outside the door until he feels comfy. Sure, I was prepared to stay the whole day. Final technique #5...in a final last effort to put all my mommy skills into action, I seize the opportunity when the teacher came out for the second time...to get the heck out of dodge. I told her to hold onto him, that I loved him and that I had to go.I am pretty sure that my whole heart was left behind or at least sitting in my throat in that fleeting moment. If you could zoom into his face full of emotion in this pic you would be bawling. In all my techniques and all my wishes, there was nothing I could do to get him out of his own paralysis created by fear. I could relate to this more than he could possibly know. I still feel those paralyzing moments that takes me right back to a scared, little girl that can't find the courage to take the next step. So as I sit here and try to write this through the tear-blurred vision. This day, these moments were designed just for me. I was suppose to have these lessons today through my little appendages. One being brave and showing me the path that I know that I can choose. And the "older me" showing me that it's o.k. to be scared. It's ok to fear change. It's NOT o.k. to be paralyzed and to get in my own way so badly that I need someone to grip me out of it. So thank you kiddos. Thank you for being the most beautiful human beings in this world. I want to feel like this when I get off this bus that I am on. I want to hold my hands open this wide to show the world that I made myself fell "this big" today. Tré told me that he thought of Keeta to get out of the fear. He said that he looked at the binder of Keeta if he felt sad. Mommy tactic # whatever, worked! He found his own way out and he felt so proud.We're o.k. now. I'm O.K! I am so thankful for this day and these tears, and to be able to share. Tomorrow is a new day...and I won't be walking the kids into the school. I think I will just stay in the car and cry. I will pretend for a moment that I am able to push the pause button on this thing called life that is always is fast forward. God help me next week when this guy goes to his first day of his last year in preschool. God help me when he goes to Kindergarten. Let's not even talk about all 3 in full day just yet.
The lesson of the day...get the hell out of your own way. Take one of your biggest fears and stop giving yourself thousands of reasons to hold onto it. Just conquer it. I can't tell you how, but I can tell you how amazing it is going to feel on the other side of it!

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Feeling

I'm writing today without a picture in mind or a topic for that matter. I was just sitting here overcome with the need to write. It might be all over the place and it might end up put together;) I am struggling today with the BIGGEST, Babysteps of my life. Everything in me handled the MS diagnoses with becoming a do'er...well, maybe not all of me. The other half is overwhelmed and wants to pretend I don't know how to 'do'. As I sit here and think of all the things I need, want and have to do...part of me goes into 'do' mode. The other part of me is quite comfortable in my little box that was comfortably built by my very own fears. So, let me get this right, the diagnoses woke me up. It gave me direction, perspective and the desire to change. Well, it also brought the overwhelming alarm inside me that tells me to do nothing...to just be. Oh I get it, it's another balancing act! So now I am standing on one leg, on a rolling ball, 20 plates piled high in one hand and the other hand is trying to rub my belly. I am pretty sure that I was suppose to take my life off of overdrive before I got so revved up:) I wish I were more of a dancer. Then my story would go like the Josh Groban song....

"So She Dances"

A waltz when she walks in the room
She pulls back the hair from her face
She turns to the window to sway in the moonlight
Even her shadow has grace
A waltz for the girl out of reach
She lifts her hands up to the sky
She moves with the music

The song is her lover
The melody's making her cry
So she dances
In and out of the crowd like a glance

This romance is
From afar calling me silently

A waltz for the chance I should take
But how will I know where to start?
She's spinning between constellations and dreams

Her rhythm is my beating heart...

I think I am finding my dance. I just want it to be a bit more graceful....not so many bumps and bruises;) What's my point today? I don't have one. It just feels better to be sharing. I went with Jalena to get her hair cut today. She wanted it short and off her face. I think I will follow her dance today. Going to push my hair back and see what I see. Pics of her new do to come:)